Ink in the Blood Posts

The Walk

when

i got on that plane

in September

of ‘93

to finally

be reunited

with my Dad

after all those years

i had thought

it would magically

fix everything

and wash away

the past

and i would be

free of it

but i never considered

death

would come calling

in six months

my number one relationship

was with God

and He knew how much

i loved you

He knew

‘cause you were always in my prayers

and i was always praying

so when He took you

from me

that quick

i felt …

betrayed

i felt angry

i felt lost

i felt empty

i felt hopeless

buried in deep dark pain

after the funeral

i stopped going to church

not that i ever believed you had to go

to church

in order to believe in God

i’ve always believed

the Kingdom of Heaven is within

and no one knows your heart

but you

and your Creator

i don’t believe in the judgment of man

and i gotta say

churchgoers – by and large

are maybe the most judgmental

beings on earth

and i have never understood

that

but i don’t understand a lot of things

i remember thinking

God is a jealous God

He wants no one to come before Him

and how i had put my Dad above Him

and this was the price

paid

i was 20 at the time

(or somewhere close to that since i don’t know exactly how old i really am)

i had just completed my Freshman year of college

and could not stop thinking about going to see my Dad

it was like something was pulling me toward him

i’m grateful i was there with him

i’m grateful i had those six months with him

i’m grateful for the time …

time is unmeasurable

my Dad died at 50

i’ve lived longer than my Dad

i feel like he never left me

and it’s been 32 years

so much has changed

and yet so much remains

we walked together when i was small

and we walked together when i was big

and when i took a walk yesterday in the park

we were walking together still

like no time had passed

Thank You

TL

The Sum of All Things

even now

you would shrug

and say

I don’t understand

what I did

whatever did I do

to deserve this …

I loved her …

but that wasn’t love

i know what love is

and that wasn’t love

i used to think

i owed you my life

‘cause you flipped through a book

and saw my face

and picked me

lucky me, right

you thought you were buying

a doll

an Oriental doll

and it made no difference if the doll

came from Korea or Timbuktu

you’d give it a Japanese name

‘cause you liked the name: Tamiko

but you never considered

how that’d make me feel

one day

how i’d have to explain

no, i’m not Japanese

for the billionth time

oh well, right

yes – i blamed you

for destroying

my dream

of having a family

an adoptive family

you only thought of yourself

there was a choice

and you chose him

you chose a broken man

who would break you

you already had a man

a good man

my dad – my adoptive dad

but you chose another man

who already belonged to

someone else

he already had a wife and his own kids

what were you thinking

you weren’t

you were feeling

lust

i was there

i remember

everything

but you never saw me

or wondered what that would do to me

i never felt like your child

you treated me

like a servant

who would cook and clean

for you

once upon a time i resented that

feeling like Cinderella

and all

but you taught me

how to take care of myself

how not to rely on anyone

else

you treated me like an adult

so i acted like an adult

i worried about things

a child should not worry about

i buried so much

stuff

and pretended things weren’t

that bad

but they were

weren’t they

they were really bad

wouldn’t you say

i couldn’t help you

i tried

but i couldn’t help you

i had wanted to save you

to save us

but i didn’t know how

i was still too young

to know how

i remember bringing you ice

for the bruises

i remember him pushing you down

choking you

kicking you

punching you

throwing you around

i was there …

i saw it

i heard it

i felt it

the holidays were the worst

i hated holidays

and summers

summers were awful

there was no school

in the summer

but for a few

there was a reprieve

when i got to go to Florida

and spend time with Gram and Aunt Cindy

but i worried the whole time

that you’d kill each other

while i was away

even sober the two of you were never

compatible

every breath was a fight

i’ll never understand

why you both chose to live

like that

day in and day out

year after year

in pure misery

pure hatred

i guess you both gave up

or got used to the trauma

i don’t know

all i know is it taught me

how to adapt and adjust

to anything

i know now

neither of you were equipped

to raise children

let alone grandchildren

i had thought maybe

you would both

want to do better by her

but you started fighting

in front of her

she learned the F word

in third-grade

not at school

but from you

and when you told her

you wished you’d never adopted me

she came home and told me that in tears

you should have said that to me

NOT to her

i could have handled that

she could not

the drinking was the last straw

i couldn’t protect myself

from the two of you

but i could protect her

and that’s what i did

i chose to protect my daughter

and put her first

TL

Diamonds on the Drink

oftentimes

throughout my journey

in each phase

the small me

has thought …

you don’t know me

at all

if you knew me

just a little

you wouldn’t

add a tear

to the well within

not a drop

you’d add

you’d think to yourself

no …

i won’t hurt her

no more

she’s been through

enough

instead you would meet me

with laughter and joy

and in that joy

you would bring me

relief

that’s what you did

for me …

i never told you

that

and it’s too late

now

but i’ll say it

anyways

though there was a river

our laughter shook the trees

and the leaves fell

into the rushing wave

and floated

like a diamond

on out to sea

TL

An Escape

i felt

validated

in school

i felt in control

in the classroom

there was order

there

and things made sense

i was living

in complete chaos

and uncertainty

but school

felt safe

it was where

i excelled

reading and writing

were like food and water

to me

i had to have them

to survive

TL

ER

in that

bright blinding

emergency room

i watched a nurse and doctor

go through the motions

as if they were treating

a leper

they did not hide

their disgust

the woman could not sit up

or cuss without slurring

but the black eye

and the stench of alcohol

needed no explanation

it was just another night

in the ER

for those on duty

i never said a word

i just stood there invisible

and quietly shut the door

inside myself

there was school

the next day

i had to put on my face

for school

TL

Domestic Violence

to this day

i cannot

step on a box

no matter the size of it

to flatten

to fit

in a trash

bag

to this day

i can still hear

the sound

a sledgehammer makes

against a concrete floor

when it smashes

an aluminum can

over and over and over

again

to flatten

to fit

in a trash

bag

to this day

i die inside

when i hear a chainsaw

crank up

and run …

a body could have ended up

in pieces

that terrible night

to fit

in a trash

bag

even mine

i learned early on

in life

that things that are whole

will lose their shape

in an instant

if smashed and flattened

continuously

to the ground

TL

Strength in Sorrow

just watched Oprah

interview her dear friend

Maria Shriver

who recently released

I am Maria …

a book of poetry

that she had been writing

all this time …

since she was just

a little girl

but did not know it

then

until now …

wow

what a gift

what a journey

back to one’s

self

if nothing else

you learn in life

what life really requires

of you

in the end

it is resilience …

you will need to be

resilient

so you can find your way

back to yourself

when all is dark

and the moon and stars

are elsewhere

life takes many turns

before the way is made clear

“There’s an Open Field …

I’ll meet you there.”

TL

When it Rains

beneath a bridge

there lives no troll

but a shadow

of a human

being

who for

whatever reason

has lost

his or her way

in the world

and maybe the way

was never clear

was never shown

for not all souls

begin with warmth

and song

we are not all born

in hospitals

swaddled in cribs

with families

waiting

to take us home

to live

under roofs

with walls

and floors

and lighting

and provisions

and even if that’s

a possibility

it does not guarantee

love

for the outside of a dwelling

can be so deceptive

to a passerby

whether it be a mansion

or a humble abode

each homeless person knows

from whence they came

but they know not

where they will go

where they will end up

for they get stuck

in place

and become part

of the landscape

TL

A l o n e

to be ok

a l o n e

is something

one must own

for many a man

and many a woman

boy

and girl

never learned

such a thing

not quite

how to be

ok alone

that it’s all right

to be

a l o n e

that it’s not

the end

of everything

if you look around

someday

and find

nobody there

but you

you still have you

the you that is infinite

and divine

don’t let anyone

or any thing

take yourself

from yourself

know your worth

from the get-go

don’t let nobody

decide that for you

but you

don’t lie down

and die

alone

or jump off bridges

and buildings

or slip from chairs

or beneath bubbles

or sip too much whiskey

and wheat

or down too many pills

or drop too many syringes

or breathe in too much powder

and dust

or take off to parts

unknown

without return

or head out to the middle of

nowhere

like a cowboy

without a home

or disappear into the cloud

like a pilot running away

from earth

from all their troubles

all the hard stuff

that comes with age

so teach the young

while they’re still young

that it’s ok

to be

a l o n e

that you will be

ok

if you find yourself

a l o n e

one fine day

you must keep going

on

for all things are connected

no one is ever only

truly

all alone

the wind is within

the breath of life

do not forget the you

that is you

and you a l o n e

to be ok

with one’s self

should be a life-long

pursuit

when it’s all

gone away …

there is still

you

be ok

with you

TL

The Grief of Gone

threw

the pages

away

and watched

‘em burn

to ash

what becomes

of the body

when life

is gone

think about all the rows

of empty houses

up for sale

in neighborhoods

big and small

far and wide

the selling off of things

so many things

how sad it is

the inevitable end

when you haven’t even

a spoon

left

you haven’t the energy

required

to lift a spoon

i’ve watched the dying die

and it’s not

how they say

it is

TL

Before Dawn

the earth

is shifting

shape

deep within

its crust

spreading

beyond its

core

where death

and life

become

one

TL

Hard As It Is

Easter

in your eyes

how then

where will

you be

i’ll look in every

room

i’ll look outside

i’ll look down

the drive

i’ll wait

i’ll be waiting

for you

to walk through

the door

and i’ll hear ‘ya

long before i see ‘ya

you’ll be toting

your layered strawberry cake

and Papa will be close behind

angling fer the first slice

…

we’re supposed to

sit together

you and i

and talk and tease and laugh

like we always do

you’re supposed to

make me green beans

and i’m supposed to

tell ‘ya how good they are

i woke up

thinking that …

thinking about that

your pots

all your empty pots and pans

but you tell me

to hush

and dry my tears

and put on my face

“for the show

must go on …”

TL

Pride & Prejudice

the romantic

bleeds

for the pages

of poetry

in this timeless tale

of love …

of falling in love

TL

Message

talking

to stone

in a stream

we talk about

most any

thing

since we sit in silence

most times

seems these days

i talk more

and you less

i tell you

how the light

blinked in the bulb

as i sat waiting

on food

and how none

of the others

did

just that one

in my direct vision

and how it blinked

on and off

like the star

on top of the tree

at Christmas

in Morse code

minutes upon minutes

blinked by

then it went back

to normal

as i sat silent

i tell you this

as if you don’t

already know

but you listen

anyways

TL

In the Meadow

all i see

are clover

when i close

my eyes

all i see

are clover

4-leaf clovers

everywhere

is it jest

a phase

i’m going through

or something

more

have i become

an unexpected

collector of clover

i don’t know

but …

it’s something

to look forward to

each day

perhaps it will be

a life-long pursuit

or a memory

of that April in 2025

when i found so many

3 on Tuesday

3 on Wednesday

9 on Thursday (wonder what the record is for one day)

3 on Friday

and 1 this morning

of the 19 clovers

3 were 5-leaf

i rather enjoy

this hobby

of collecting clover

it has become

a habit

to look down

on the ground

to see if i see

4

or 5

green leaves

TL

Richard Chamberlain

i knew him

only

as Father Ralph

in The Thorn Birds

it was a love story

as complex as

love is

to feel it

in all its forms

the sweeping saga

of love and loss

an undeniable force

between them

and in the end

he died

the way he would

have wanted

ever in her arms

among the delicate roses

and the piercing thorns

with the sky above

her tears below

TL

Lily of the Valley

at the end

of the day

she appeared

with a black box

of dirt

and inside the dirt

there were rows of roots

bearing

green leaves

she had been quietly

tending the soil

for two months

time

growing these roots

into leaves

and when i looked down

into the box

of dirt

with green leaves

i was stunned …

i looked at her

and looked down at the leaves

and looked back at her

i knew what she had brought me

she knew what she had brought me

this wasn’t just a box of dirt

and leaves

this was a memory

from long ago

that i had shared with her

when she was

a little girl

telling her how

when i was

a little girl

just her age

my favorite flower was

a tiny white bell

that smelled like the most beautiful perfume

in the world

and that nobody can bottle it

i told her how i’d never forgotten

what it smelled like

and how i hoped one day

she would find the flower

and breathe it in

i tried three times

to find it

once a nursery promised

they could order it

but after checking back

a time or two

it was not to be

another time a florist had my hopes up

convinced they had the flower

in stock

but it turned out

not to be

my flower

but something called

Leucojum

and from a distance

it looks the same

with its tiny white bells

but closeup

the green dots at the bottom of the bells

ring wrong

and the missing perfume

is a dead giveaway

another time

i found some bulbs at a big box store

and potted them straight away

and watered ‘em and waited

and waited

and waited

but the bells

did not appear

my daughter was 3

when she first asked me

what my favorite flower was

now she’s 18

out on her own

but she came back

in the middle of March

with a black box

of dirt

bearing green leaves

that may or may not

sprout into tiny white bells

of perfume

and while it would be wonderful

if they did

just knowing

she didn’t forget …

how she’s been

sitting in a horticulture class

in college

learning all about soil

and how to treat it

to grow whatever it is

you wanna grow

so when she saw the bulbs

in a big box store

two months ago

she bought ‘em straight away

and found a black box

and a bag of soil

armed with the knowledge

of what the soil needs …

it was hard for her to leave home

it was hard to watch her go

it’s been hard ever since

but last night

my 3-year-old daughter

came back

home

to surprise me

she did not forget ….

TL

Simply

the love

that just

is

is the best

kind

there is

it does not

question

what is

it just

is

what it

is

TL

If i had a Hammer

i remember

johnny

and his hammer

and how he never

stood still

for too long

a time

he never stopped

being busy

his girls were growing up

and out …

as he hammered nails

relentlessly

day in and day out

all around the house

stopping only

to answer

their call

or text

if he sat too long

or thought too hard

about it

he’d never get back

up …

i remember thinking

i gotta do that

when it’s my time

my turn

i gotta do that

i gotta do what johnny did

i gotta stay busy

and not sit too long

or think too hard

about it

TL

Spinning in Circles

my Amazon order

just shipped

it’s almost 2

to let the dog out

shoulda went to the gym

but i’m blue

and it’s cold

and i don’t know

but

it should be warmer

the ocean used to be warmer

for spring

b

r

e

a

k

now it’s a heartache

where’d the sun go

maybe it’s where that bird

flew off to

that little blue bird

that won’t be caged

like the lion

like the innocent

it’s all relevant

or irrelevant

depending

on the

who

what

when

where

and why

it’s 2

TL