Month: May 2025

The Walk

when

i got on that plane

in September

of ‘93

to finally

be reunited

with my Dad

after all those years

i had thought

it would magically

fix everything

and wash away

the past

and i would be

free of it

but i never considered

death

would come calling

in six months

my number one relationship

was with God

and He knew how much

i loved you

He knew

‘cause you were always in my prayers

and i was always praying

so when He took you

from me

that quick

i felt …

betrayed

i felt angry

i felt lost

i felt empty

i felt hopeless

buried in deep dark pain

after the funeral

i stopped going to church

not that i ever believed you had to go

to church

in order to believe in God

i’ve always believed

the Kingdom of Heaven is within

and no one knows your heart

but you

and your Creator

i don’t believe in the judgment of man

and i gotta say

churchgoers – by and large

are maybe the most judgmental

beings on earth

and i have never understood

that

but i don’t understand a lot of things

i remember thinking

God is a jealous God

He wants no one to come before Him

and how i had put my Dad above Him

and this was the price

paid

i was 20 at the time

(or somewhere close to that since i don’t know exactly how old i really am)

i had just completed my Freshman year of college

and could not stop thinking about going to see my Dad

it was like something was pulling me toward him

i’m grateful i was there with him

i’m grateful i had those six months with him

i’m grateful for the time …

time is unmeasurable

my Dad died at 50

i’ve lived longer than my Dad

i feel like he never left me

and it’s been 32 years

so much has changed

and yet so much remains

we walked together when i was small

and we walked together when i was big

and when i took a walk yesterday in the park

we were walking together still

like no time had passed

Thank You

TL

The Sum of All Things

even now

you would shrug

and say

I don’t understand

what I did

whatever did I do

to deserve this …

I loved her …

but that wasn’t love

i know what love is

and that wasn’t love

i used to think

i owed you my life

‘cause you flipped through a book

and saw my face

and picked me

lucky me, right

you thought you were buying

a doll

an Oriental doll

and it made no difference if the doll

came from Korea or Timbuktu

you’d give it a Japanese name

‘cause you liked the name: Tamiko

but you never considered

how that’d make me feel

one day

how i’d have to explain

no, i’m not Japanese

for the billionth time

oh well, right

yes – i blamed you

for destroying

my dream

of having a family

an adoptive family

you only thought of yourself

there was a choice

and you chose him

you chose a broken man

who would break you

you already had a man

a good man

my dad – my adoptive dad

but you chose another man

who already belonged to

someone else

he already had a wife and his own kids

what were you thinking

you weren’t

you were feeling

lust

i was there

i remember

everything

but you never saw me

or wondered what that would do to me

i never felt like your child

you treated me

like a servant

who would cook and clean

for you

once upon a time i resented that

feeling like Cinderella

and all

but you taught me

how to take care of myself

how not to rely on anyone

else

you treated me like an adult

so i acted like an adult

i worried about things

a child should not worry about

i buried so much

stuff

and pretended things weren’t

that bad

but they were

weren’t they

they were really bad

wouldn’t you say

i couldn’t help you

i tried

but i couldn’t help you

i had wanted to save you

to save us

but i didn’t know how

i was still too young

to know how

i remember bringing you ice

for the bruises

i remember him pushing you down

choking you

kicking you

punching you

throwing you around

i was there …

i saw it

i heard it

i felt it

the holidays were the worst

i hated holidays

and summers

summers were awful

there was no school

in the summer

but for a few

there was a reprieve

when i got to go to Florida

and spend time with Gram and Aunt Cindy

but i worried the whole time

that you’d kill each other

while i was away

even sober the two of you were never

compatible

every breath was a fight

i’ll never understand

why you both chose to live

like that

day in and day out

year after year

in pure misery

pure hatred

i guess you both gave up

or got used to the trauma

i don’t know

all i know is it taught me

how to adapt and adjust

to anything

i know now

neither of you were equipped

to raise children

let alone grandchildren

i had thought maybe

you would both

want to do better by her

but you started fighting

in front of her

she learned the F word

in third-grade

not at school

but from you

and when you told her

you wished you’d never adopted me

she came home and told me that in tears

you should have said that to me

NOT to her

i could have handled that

she could not

the drinking was the last straw

i couldn’t protect myself

from the two of you

but i could protect her

and that’s what i did

i chose to protect my daughter

and put her first

TL

Diamonds on the Drink

oftentimes

throughout my journey

in each phase

the small me

has thought …

you don’t know me

at all

if you knew me

just a little

you wouldn’t

add a tear

to the well within

not a drop

you’d add

you’d think to yourself

no …

i won’t hurt her

no more

she’s been through

enough

instead you would meet me

with laughter and joy

and in that joy

you would bring me

relief

that’s what you did

for me …

i never told you

that

and it’s too late

now

but i’ll say it

anyways

though there was a river

our laughter shook the trees

and the leaves fell

into the rushing wave

and floated

like a diamond

on out to sea

TL

An Escape

i felt

validated

in school

i felt in control

in the classroom

there was order

there

and things made sense

i was living

in complete chaos

and uncertainty

but school

felt safe

it was where

i excelled

reading and writing

were like food and water

to me

i had to have them

to survive

TL

ER

in that

bright blinding

emergency room

i watched a nurse and doctor

go through the motions

as if they were treating

a leper

they did not hide

their disgust

the woman could not sit up

or cuss without slurring

but the black eye

and the stench of alcohol

needed no explanation

it was just another night

in the ER

for those on duty

i never said a word

i just stood there invisible

and quietly shut the door

inside myself

there was school

the next day

i had to put on my face

for school

TL

Domestic Violence

to this day

i cannot

step on a box

no matter the size of it

to flatten

to fit

in a trash

bag

to this day

i can still hear

the sound

a sledgehammer makes

against a concrete floor

when it smashes

an aluminum can

over and over and over

again

to flatten

to fit

in a trash

bag

to this day

i die inside

when i hear a chainsaw

crank up

and run …

a body could have ended up

in pieces

that terrible night

to fit

in a trash

bag

even mine

i learned early on

in life

that things that are whole

will lose their shape

in an instant

if smashed and flattened

continuously

to the ground

TL

Strength in Sorrow

just watched Oprah

interview her dear friend

Maria Shriver

who recently released

I am Maria …

a book of poetry

that she had been writing

all this time …

since she was just

a little girl

but did not know it

then

until now …

wow

what a gift

what a journey

back to one’s

self

if nothing else

you learn in life

what life really requires

of you

in the end

it is resilience …

you will need to be

resilient

so you can find your way

back to yourself

when all is dark

and the moon and stars

are elsewhere

life takes many turns

before the way is made clear

“There’s an Open Field …

I’ll meet you there.”

TL

When it Rains

beneath a bridge

there lives no troll

but a shadow

of a human

being

who for

whatever reason

has lost

his or her way

in the world

and maybe the way

was never clear

was never shown

for not all souls

begin with warmth

and song

we are not all born

in hospitals

swaddled in cribs

with families

waiting

to take us home

to live

under roofs

with walls

and floors

and lighting

and provisions

and even if that’s

a possibility

it does not guarantee

love

for the outside of a dwelling

can be so deceptive

to a passerby

whether it be a mansion

or a humble abode

each homeless person knows

from whence they came

but they know not

where they will go

where they will end up

for they get stuck

in place

and become part

of the landscape

TL

A l o n e

to be ok

a l o n e

is something

one must own

for many a man

and many a woman

boy

and girl

never learned

such a thing

not quite

how to be

ok alone

that it’s all right

to be

a l o n e

that it’s not

the end

of everything

if you look around

someday

and find

nobody there

but you

you still have you

the you that is infinite

and divine

don’t let anyone

or any thing

take yourself

from yourself

know your worth

from the get-go

don’t let nobody

decide that for you

but you

don’t lie down

and die

alone

or jump off bridges

and buildings

or slip from chairs

or beneath bubbles

or sip too much whiskey

and wheat

or down too many pills

or drop too many syringes

or breathe in too much powder

and dust

or take off to parts

unknown

without return

or head out to the middle of

nowhere

like a cowboy

without a home

or disappear into the cloud

like a pilot running away

from earth

from all their troubles

all the hard stuff

that comes with age

so teach the young

while they’re still young

that it’s ok

to be

a l o n e

that you will be

ok

if you find yourself

a l o n e

one fine day

you must keep going

on

for all things are connected

no one is ever only

truly

all alone

the wind is within

the breath of life

do not forget the you

that is you

and you a l o n e

to be ok

with one’s self

should be a life-long

pursuit

when it’s all

gone away …

there is still

you

be ok

with you

TL

The Grief of Gone

threw

the pages

away

and watched

‘em burn

to ash

what becomes

of the body

when life

is gone

think about all the rows

of empty houses

up for sale

in neighborhoods

big and small

far and wide

the selling off of things

so many things

how sad it is

the inevitable end

when you haven’t even

a spoon

left

you haven’t the energy

required

to lift a spoon

i’ve watched the dying die

and it’s not

how they say

it is

TL