Internal Turning Point
when i was
a little girl
i loved giving
gifts
all kinds
the act of giving
the gift
was a gift to me
i felt it
deep within
and as i grew older
the gifts i gave
grew bigger
and better
and more
i would go
overboard
giving gifts for all occasions
but i never realized
why … why i did this
why was giving a gift
so important to me
i took it very seriously
i would give so many at one time
one was never enough
but this morning
it dawned on me
the reason why – why i do this
i guess i never thought about it
before
but looking back
i was always trying so hard
to please
to be pleasing
to pretend everything
was ok
a present was a symbol
a way to say it’s ok
even if it wasn’t
in a child’s mind
the perfect gift
could fix all the unperfect
things
and there were so many
unperfect
unpleasant
unfortunate things
to fix
my self-worth was tied up
in a bow
gift giving became
what i was good at
what i was known for
whenever anyone opened the perfect gift i gave them …
and they acted like they loved it … it made me feel worthy
i never understood that ‘til now
‘til this morning
50+ Years
and i never understood that
‘til today
the act of giving gifts
meant more to me
than receiving them
as far back as i can remember
this was me – the gift giver
i was always giving a gift
to somebody
and waiting for their approval
that was the orphan in me
trying so hard to please
abandonment is self-imprisonment
it does affect your self-worth
and no amount of gift giving
can fix that
i should have realized all along
that self-worth can’t be given away …
with a bow on top
TL