Ink in the Blood Posts

Tell me a Story with a Happy Ending

we are

but a memory

too complex

to be captured

on camera

of places

we’ve been

of people

we’ve met

of moments

too big

to be small

a shared experience

of being

that we carry

within us

all the emotions

that flow

suspended

in time

i’ve looked

in the eyes

of creatures

big and small

who will go

before

or after

they do not dwell

less they’ve outlived

their shell

their exterior being

traveling alone now

lost in the maze of the mind

the sunlight dappling

through the clouds

running like a child

through the rain

we meet at the river

and watch the leaves fall

from sticks

and sail away

quiet

unto the sea

it was good to be here

with you

and all the memories

stacked like books

too many to read

at once

the pages blur together

blank

like the beginning

before there was a word

a story … to tell

and remember

TL

The Legacy of Mr. Moore

from time

to time

over the years

I’ve thought of

Mr. Moore

and his gentle nature

he was one of my favorite

teachers

of all time

he never taught me math

or English

or history

or science

or Spanish

or health

or how to hit a ball

or score a point

or make a meal

he taught me instead

patience

he would sit over there

on the passenger side

and calmly guide me

onto the roadway

I loved to make him laugh

so I’d purposely step on the gas

to get his reaction

he always laughed

and tried to scold me

with a straight face

we laughed a lot

together

with me behind the wheel

and him hitting the brake

now

it makes me cry when I think of him

sitting over there so patient

and encouraging

and calm

he had that Mr. Rogers vibe about him

he was so kind

to all of us

none of us really knew what we were doing

but he could see our potential

I’ve been thinking of Mr. Moore a lot

of late

as I sit on the passenger seat

pressing my foot to the floorboard

like he did

I’m not quite as calm

as Mr. Moore

but I think he’d be proud of me

and definitely proud of her

she got her learner’s permit Tuesday

and by 6:15am the next morning

she was driving me all the way

to the MALL

I cannot put into words how that felt

I lie awake at night thinking

maybe I dreamed that

alas

time moves on

and on

and on

when I click my seatbelt

into place

I smile

and think of Mr. Moore

he was all about safety first

talked a lot about it

and I’d just laugh

and hit the gas

my daughter and I

are like hyenas

thumping along

to her music

through every neighborhood

in town

Mr. Moore never played music

when he was teaching

but I feel like

he’s in the backseat

laughing along with us

enjoying the beat

with his seatbelt

firmly in place

TL

The Secret to Happiness

it was

your birthday

not mine

but you gave me

a gift

then another one

that you knew

I’d love

spending some of the money

daddy gave you

to spend on yourself

you spent on me

I was so surprised …

I thought it was a joke

and as you watched me

open each one

with tears

I could see how happy you were

for me

TL

Retinol Rant

when ‘ya

go and buy a jar

of cream

for yo face

and apply it at nighttime

like the directions say

and you expect to see a difference

in those lines under yo eyes

but wake up blinking and thinking

whoa … wait a minute

what!

WHAT THE L

this wrinkle cream

was supposed to fade the lines

not indent them into the skin

and multiply ‘em by 10

OVERNIGHT

I mean

really

REALLY

that lady with the great skin

on the tube

lied

SHE LIED

that jar of retinol she’s been religiously using fer three years

mighta made her skin smooth and wrinkle-free

but all it did fer me

was sear my skin

with scraping fork tracks

plowed under my eyes

like tire tracks on the beach

after it rains

I literally looked better

before

BEFORE

TL

All the While

I sit

by water

and watch it wrinkle

over stone

no longer smooth

I am aging

too

TL

Belief

we met

in fifth grade

he had probably

been taught to be nice

to the kids who look lonely

and pathetic

i had been sitting on the bleachers

by myself

when he walked up to me

one day

and sat beside me

he was very confident

and easy to talk to

he made straight As

and was born and bred to bleed

Crimson

he knew nothing about me

or what i’d been through

by the time i met him

i had already experienced

so much trauma and heartache

and loss

4 years prior

i never told him any of that

he just saw the surface things

he would become my best friend

over the years

and the most influential person

i knew back then

he was a high achiever

with natural leadership abilities

and all of a sudden

here was this kid

with so much potential

believing in me

at a time when i had lost all belief

in anything good

i was held back in third grade

and again in fifth grade

not because i was stupid

but because a bitter divorce

would leave its scars

and a huge void

after my father moved away

leaving me in an emotionally abusive environment

fueled by domestic violence and alcohol

i felt like i had lost everything

the dream of having a family

was gone

i didn’t care about anything

anymore

especially school

but it takes just one person

to believe in you

to change your course

and that’s what he did for me

i went from Fs to As

i wanted to impress him

so, i rose to his level

or tried to

looking back

I realize

I expected way too much from him

expected him to fill all this emptiness and sorrow

inside me

when nobody can do that

for anybody

you gotta do that for yourself

a fifth grader just wants to fit in

and belong

and that’s what his friendship did for me

and I will always

be grateful

that somehow i met him

at such a critical time

in my life

when i needed stability

something to hold on to

he balanced out all the bad stuff

and made me believe

i could do anything

be anything

belief is

and always will be

a powerful thing

thank you

TL

The Blanket

I went back

for you

on the middle mile

‘cause I couldn’t leave you

there

and I’m sorry it took me

so long

to get to you

there was so much stuff

to sift through

and sort out

but I worked day and night

weekends and holidays

I kept at it

picking things up

and examining them

then putting them back down

before moving on

to the next piece

not all the pieces fit

together

and some were missing

never to be found

but there was enough there

to see you

sitting there

in the corner

right where I left you at

all those years ago

the sun illuminated

your shadow

and as I walked closer

grass appeared

where you were sitting

it was so green

and I never saw the sky so blue

wildflowers appeared

all over the place

and the wind picked up

moving me closer and closer

I saw the bridge

and I knew I had to cross it

to reach you

even though I was afraid

it was up so high

and stretched so far

I did not want to fall

I looked down

and just kept my eyes focused on my feet

and kept moving

forward

taking baby steps

and eventually

I reached where you were

and bent down

and picked you up

you were shaking

wet with tears

but I rocked you

and sang you a song

a blanket appeared

and I wrapped it snug around you

and held you all night long

it seemed like you needed me the most

at night

so, I stayed with you

every night

and rocked you

back and forth

humming

until your breathing

evened out

and I could feel your body

begin to relax

I watched you

close your eyes

and I watched you open them

the next day

and how you reached down

to touch the dirt

but felt the grass

and how you looked at me

with those same eyes

and said,

i knew you’d come back for me

i knew you would

someday …

and i knew you’d bring me

a blanket

TL

Oprah

you were

my mentor

through middle school

through high school

through college

through marriage

through motherhood

through aging

through the then

through the now

past and present

your voice

your words

your wisdom

have helped guide me

to a better understanding

of myself

of others

never more so

than now

with your long-standing work  

beside Dr. Perry

realized in book form:

“What Happened to You?”

on the second page of Chapter 1

i had to put it down

as the words blurred away

into the sea

“From as early as I can remember,

I knew I was on my own.”

when you said this …

it was like you were speaking

directly to me

to the me no one knows

or sees

or understands

but in those simple words

i felt utterly understood

you know where i came from

and how hard it was

for this sensitive child

who found herself stuck in a storm

with no protection

the child played pretend

and put on a smile

and soldier on to school

acting as if she were young

when in fact she was an adult

in the body of a child

who had already learned

the hardest lessons

in life

while we’ve never spoken

a word

i know you know me

and i you

you were there in the room

with your calm and reassuring voice

telling me

child, it’s gonna be ok – you’re gonna be ok

from 1986 to present day

you are still telling me

child, it’s gonna be ok – you’re gonna be ok

i am

so grateful

you were given the gift

of communication

and how you gave that gift away

for free

to the pauper

to the prince

to the queen

to the servant

to the king

to the slave

to the child

to the adult

you were teaching master classes

all along

and i was sitting there in your great classroom

learning and learning and learning

i’m still learning

and learning and learning and learning

the greatest teachers teach

from a sacred place

that knows no boundary

in all the languages of the world

thank you

thank you

thank you

TL

Papa

92

years

where they go?

I hear you laugh and shake your head

and shrug your shoulders and simply say,

I don’t know … I really don’t …

but I wouldn’t change a thing

as you look at the pictures

in your mind

a beautiful bride

there by your side

strong as steel

and five kids come along

bringing joy beyond measure

and after a time

the grandkids

come along

with their laughter

and tears

and after a time

the great-grandkids

come along

with their little songs

to sing

and lullabies

it was always a party

at your house

something to celebrate

think you showed us all

how to live

Happy Birthday to you, Papa

and many, many more …

TL

Thoughts

it’s a jumble

a tumble

a mumble

a fumble

a rumble

a bumble

a humble

TL

Elements

a solitaire

snowflake

floating in air

can land

so soft

and melt away

into the earth

as does a drop

of rain

gentle

into the soil

a breath of wind

can barely

be felt

against the face

on other days

the snow

can trap you in

side

the rain

can flood your street

your house

and the wind

can roar

your roof off

do damage

and then

it’s quiet

too quiet

as the storms

move across

to the other side

raging

somewhere

else

the sun

rises

warm

and slow

unless

it’s summer

in the south

it can be scorching hot

without protection

wear a hat

TL

Pennies in the Well

before there was

a place

to put the well

before there was

a spot

a space

a child made

and covered over

there were 7 rusty pennies

decades later

alone in the sand

she went digging

the excavation took

For

Ever

After

but one day

in the Month of March

with the wind on waves

she kneeled down

in the water

and found 3 pennies

the ones she wished on

at the fountain

when there was nothing

but sound

of them sinking

down

to the bottom

TL

It’s a Long Road …

to all

and you know who you are

you know exactly

i just wanna say,

thank you

i gave you all i had

the best of me

and you squandered it

totally

no, this ain’t no pity

party

been to those

and this ain’t one of ‘em

this is jest an admission

a pause

to say, i’m grateful

i wasn’t always grateful

you know

thought why me

why is this happening to me

but life teaches you

why not

you’re no better or no worse

terrible things happen

whether you’re good or bad

whether you had breaks or you didn’t

whether you won or lost

whether you get it or you don’t

things happen

you get run over

it’s the ugly side of life

how horrible it can be

i saw it

i heard it

i felt it

the alarm went off too early

before i had a chance

to wake up

i was still asleep

still dreaming

still light

but it was too loud

the alarm was too loud

it screamed a sickening sound

i never went back to bed

i stayed awake

all the time

but on the day

my daughter appeared

i slept

i dreamed

i felt light

finally

i under

stood

TL

Willow in the Wind

Friday it was

Sunday it was

no more

a storm had blown

through the area

and chopped it down

at the feet

bare feet

its face held down

in a pond of pollen

unrecognizable

its gentle flowing locks

splattered

it was not a pleasant site

to see

I closed my eyes

and saw my daughter

3

throwing rose petals

in the stream

the lovely locks

like a waterfall

surrounding her

we had our little picnics there

under that emerald waterfall

and watched the wind

pick up

and play

it was our special spot

I watched her walk on over

to the tree

quietly

on the brink of 15

then she turned

and looked back at me

standing where I stood

and I saw her

3

TL

Pink Perfume

the cardboard box

had photos of peonies

thought why not

took the roots home

and put ‘em in two pots

and watered ‘em

in my greenhouse

when I had a greenhouse

back before a tree crushed it

without a roof

I set these pots

under the rain

and sun

and walked away

as seasons changed

back to spring

was outside marveling at herbs

that made it through the winter

rearranging pots

when there in one

was a light pink beautiful peony

in full bloom

I couldn’t believe it

it’d been two years

since I put those roots in pots

and never thought

for a second

they’d actually bloom

and fill the air

with peony perfume

TL

Dear Officer So and So,

the police

never showed

the kid waited

and waited

and waited

but they never

showed

i’d like to know

why

could somebody there

please tell me why

why you never showed

when i see

an officer on the street

with their uniform

and their badge

and their gun

their oath

i wanna go up to ‘em

and just ask ‘em

why

why didn’t you show

up

and get me the hell outta there

the kid in me

just wants to know

why you never showed

why you never checked

why you never followed-up

with questions

for the child …

are you ok?

do you need help?

do you want to go and live

somewhere else?

she musta been invisible

quietly crying

silently praying

waiting and waiting

waiting for what

for when

12 years went by

the system failed

and i want you to know that

i need you to know that

i need you to know that I know that

but what if i hadn’t been so strong

well, I know you’re busy

and all

and this letter’s much too late

but i sent it anyways

have a good day

TL

Unsaid i Say

a writer is

always collecting

i can’t remember

a time

when i wasn’t

taking

everything in

the tone of words

the unspoken cry

the music of rain

the movement of clouds

the lap of the sea

the horse standing

so still

the beautiful object

broken to bits

the wondering where

the stray went

and died

the roses on the coffin

in the urn

the garden

the way the light plays

with shadows

Peter Pan-like

the skin of fruit

how it changes

the second it falls

to ground

like petals

like butterflies

like little blue eggs

memories i can’t remember

to forget

on my stone

please put

i tried …

don’t try …

just be

TL

Before or After

having lived

two lives

very different

from the other

i’ve often wondered

how the perspective

changes

in the light of time

how you view the world

in the sequence of time

if hardship came early

you carry it your whole life

through

verses

when hardship comes later in life

you carry it not as long

but may not be equipped

for the weight of it

especially if

never faced with shattering things

before

on the other hand

if faced with suffering

while still a child

expectations tend to fall away

when not met

early on

this creates a conditioning within a child

if faced with too much

too soon

children are not adults

they are not equipped to carry the weight

of it

and yet so many did

and so many do

and so many will

and i wish it wasn’t so

if you survive a traumatic childhood

you will spend the rest of your life

either healing

from it

or running away

from it

and if you’re an adult

who never faced hard things

before

but now feel overwhelmed

at every turn

it can be unbearable

at times

to the point of self-sabotage

whether it’s drinking or drugs

or other things

if coping mechanisms

are not in place

the result is the result

a room can stay dark

for a long time

if you don’t reach up

and switch on the light

real change

starts real small

in the smallest thing

you can find meaning

it’s there in the routine

the daily routine

of mundane things

where you’d least expect it

to be …

if you have no soap

but you’re grateful

for water …

and if you have

no water

but you know

one day

it will

r

a

i

n

TL

Two Halves Make a Whole

“You look at

the energy

of an individual

and how do you feel,

how do you feel

in front of that person.

That’s it.

It’s a person.

It’s a human.

So, when we look

at our kids

and they’re half,

I mean for me,

that’s like two wholes

actually.”

Loren, who is white, talking about his two kids with his wife of 12 years, Sunya, who is Korean (it made me cry when I heard him say this with such sincerity. It was profound.) The couple was interviewed as part of The Halfie Project posted online April 16, 2019, and I watched it for the first time early Sunday morning, March 28, 2021. I will frame those words for my daughter whose heart needs to hear it and hold it and carry it on her journey through this world …

“A Quick Recovery”

“I’ve hit a variety

of snipes, quacks and shrimps

in my lifetime,

and if I continue

to play

I’ll hit plenty more.

I realize

that a poor shot

is just a swing away.

I also realize

that once I’ve hit

a poor shot

my only recourse

is to hit a better shot

on the next swing.

In other words,

I’ve learned how

to hit it

and forget it.

There’s no sense

dwelling

on a mistake.

You can’t hit the shot

again,

so forget about it …

the road to failure

is paved with negativity.

If you think

you can’t do something,

chances are

you won’t be able to.

Conversely,

the power of positive

thinking

can turn an adverse

situation

into a prime

opportunity

for heroism.”

Tiger Woods (How I Play Golf pages 268-269)