Ink in the Blood Posts

American Underdog

my dad

was big

on sports

he loved it all

I can see him now

jumping around

in his red pajamas

yelling at the TV

Go! Go! Go! Go!

jabbing the remote in the air

he’d get all worked up

over a touchdown

and laugh like a little kid

if it turned out

he didn’t miss a detail

or a call

or a play

or a look

he was all in

knew the stats

the style of the coaches

their history

how they recruit

think he loved the heart

you gotta have

to play full-out

other than sports

he was big

on movies

he’d read every single

credit line

rolling

and listen to the very

last note

to the ending song

and think about the story

long afterwards

if he was alive

on Christmas Day

Dec. 25, 2021,

he’d be sitting in the theatre

with a big tub of popcorn

a super-size drink

a bunch of candy (he smuggled in)

and a grin from ear-to-ear

barely able to contain

his excitement

over this new movie

he’s been dying to see

save me a seat, Dad

I’ll be there

soon as I can get away

don’t eat all the sno-caps!

TL

Christmas Lights

a night

of tiny stars

dropped down

and rested

on the windshield

glittering in the glow

Christmas all around

snow globes in every drop

catch the color

and spin round and round

like a blur

stars stuck on the shield

twinkle like a song

a streak across the glass

amidst so many drops

like a shooting star

before it blinks

TL

In the Kingdom

i can’t

re

member

a time

when i wasn’t

living in fear

it is so much

a part

of who i am

that i cannot

imagine

a life

without it

i have been shaped

by fear

from the moment

i was left

to the moment

he left

to the moment

she left

to the moment

i realized

i was

truly and utterly

a l o n e

no human form

i could go to

and tell

what was happening

in my small life

i lived in constant fear

and got good

at hiding my self

within my self

in order to survive

experiencing a death

so sudden

would further shape

my fear

i would always

be afraid

to love anybody

ever again

that awfully much

for it can break you

up

and leave you in

too many pieces

to pick up

and no matter how old

you get

you’ll spend the rest of your life

looking

searching …

for some speck

of who you were

before being

blown away …

i feel i’ve found

more than a speck

more than a piece

but whole sheets

page after page

of sheet music

blowing in the wind

that sings from the sea

and reaches

back

way back

to the part of me

that still believes

in fairy tales

and happily-ever-after

The End

TL

Never Giving Up

i suppose

to the outward eye

i’m just out there

hitting golf balls

in the early morning

light

day after day

chipping

and pitching

and putting

in the heat

in the wind

in the rain

in the cold

taught myself

the short game

without a lesson

pros tried to teach me

irons and driver

but it didn’t stick

still struggle on the range

but the short game

is all mine

and somewhere

out there

in the repetition

and rhythm

and feeling

blisters and Band-Aids

i found

myself

once more

TL

Come What May

it’s night

it’s cold

it’s been

one

of the worst

days

of my life

but not the

worst

no, not nearly

lived through

way worse

than this

small

insignificant

thing

that had me

crying in the car

for hours

it ain’t easy

being

a woman

I’m going through

“the change”

a month in

and it’s been

an adjustment

I’ve never been

a sweater –

someone who sweats

I can workout hard

and not break a sweat

but now

all of a sudden

like overnight

like a blink

I sweat

for no reason

at all

it’s like a flush of heat

washes over you

and you become hot

so you crank the air up

or kick the covers off

or roll your face with ice

but you don’t stay hot

10 minutes later

you’re cold

so you put the seat warmer on

and pull the covers up

and feel your face

but you don’t stay

cold

10 minutes later

you’re hot

my hormones are

way out of whack

my emotions are

hot and cold

you feel tired

but can’t sleep

you forget

what

you were

just about to say

then realize

it don’t matter

anyway

nobody’s listening

nobody cares

they got their own

problems

so after one

of the worst days

where you jest wanna crawl in the bed

and go to sleep

the day’s not done

yet

there’s chauffer duty

there’s waiting

you do a lot of waiting around

when you’re a parent

of a teen

who needs a ride

to this, that and the other

so it’s night

and it’s cold

and it’s been

a long day

and I’m sitting there

in my car

with the seat warmer on

and the AC blasting

and I close my eyes

and I just wanna go to sleep

I’m emotionally drained

but I open my eyes

‘cause I can’t fall asleep

in my car

and in the corner of my eye

I see movement

it’s a cat

a beautiful colorful cat

that just appeared

next to me

I roll the window down

and speak to it

but it doesn’t understand

me

so I get out of the car

and course

that spooks him

and he disappears into the bushes

I look for food in my car

something to give him

but I only find water

so I go over to the empty can

of food

that somebody left him

and fill it with water

he was thirsty

then I go to a nearby chicken place

and get him some nuggets

and another cat suddenly appears

and at first

they’re not that hungry

‘cause they’ve already been fed

but as time passes

they drink all the water

and eat all the chicken

they’ve had two meals

today

and now sit on the sidewalk

content

their circumstances are dire

they live in a gutter

and hide in bushes

with traffic circling them

day and night

constantly afraid

and yet

they are content

with their little lives

‘cause they have each other

and that’s all

that really ever matters

in the end

it could have been

way worse for them

they could have tried

to survive

on their own

all  a l o n e

TL

Behind the Door

she saw

the dust

swimming

in the ray

of a closed

window

and thought

she heard it fall

as it touched

the floor

where a trace

of footsteps

left a sole

behind

the dust settled

on well-loved

Blue

and the bottom

of teacups

and bathtubs

wrappers of crayons

and crust

half-eaten lollipops

and spilled milk

wet mittens

and socks

turned pages

and magic tricks

leaves and sticks

and every rock in the river

brown boxes

that were never boxes

but boats

stars stuck on the wall

wake up at night

the cat didn’t have a home

neither the dogs

the birds, the rabbits, the hamsters, the fish, the gecko

the squirrel

minnows, frogs, fireflies, butterflies, inch worms

a white moth

a brown moth

a ladybug

a beetle

a bee

a lizard

broken wings

and tired deer

raccoons

and a fox that was

jest too fast

like that hummingbird

magic was

in the air

in every breath

it whirled and twirled

and rumbled and ran

it zigged and zagged

and crawled and stood

and pirouetted

and glided and spun

and drifted

quietly

across the floor

winking and blinking

out the door

leaving a trail

a hidden path

an opening

in a field

of wheat

a forest

of snow

an ocean

of sand

a mountain

of mist

a meadow

of orchards

red apples

and emerald cities

“follow, follow, follow, follow, follow

the yellow brick road …”

TL

The Spirit of Christmas

he always

always

brought me

a tin of chocolates

at Christmastime

that he’d meticulously

made

he loved to watch my reaction

on that first bite

making sure they were jest as good

as last year

after some persuasion

he gave up the recipe

and one day

I made some

and followed his instructions to a T

course they didn’t turn out

quite like his did

the taste was off

and I called him and told him that

he jest laughed as if he knew a secret

his chocolates had a certain quality

and over time, he had perfected the taste

and texture

whipping up batch after batch

in his country kitchen

he made so many happy

with his kindness and grace

at the last get-together at my house

over the summer

I was able to tell him

how much his chocolates meant to me

standing there in front of the refrigerator

I told him how those chocolates of his

helped get me through some tough times

how I’d stand there at the refrigerator

in the middle of the night

when I couldn’t sleep …

soothed by chocolate

thank you, Joe Frank, … I’ll miss you …

especially at Christmas – always, always at Christmas

(March 16, 1939 – October 27, 2021)

TL

Mountain’s Morning

a still

harmony

through sharp

fog

vast views

of paused waves

the shy gleam

of silver peaks

intense clouds

tangling the sky

quiet chaos

of roaring streams

red and yellow

carpet the floor

another leaf

delicately lands

with canopy’s

of evergreen walls

the morning dew

still forming

on blades of grass

(written in Mr. Sprouse’s English class

by one of his 8^th grade students)

A Drop of Reflection

she doesn’t

know it

or maybe she does

she’s more sensitive

than she shows

feeling things deeper

than she lets on

so maybe she does know

known all along

that she’s given me

a second chance

in life

a-sort-of-do-over-type-thing

where I get to experience

growing up again

the way i wished it’d been

through her eyes

I can see

what i needed the most

what i wanted the most

as her mother

as her friend

I am able to give her

all the things

i didn’t have

the material things

are ornamental at best

it’s the intangible things

that give us both

the key

I try not to take

any of it

for granted

her being here

just her being here

in the world

it is a miracle

beyond my grasp

beyond my comprehension

beyond my level of understanding

she is the ray

of light

that i reached for

in the dark

on the darkest of nights

and then the morning after

in the stillness

the repressed stillness

of unshed tears

i searched the sky

the clouds

and felt the rain

drop down

and the wind

pick up

in that lilt and lifting way

it does

steering a gull

across the shore

TL

September

i still

don’t have

any answers

to the questions

i have

and you’d think

by now

i’d be ok

with that

but it’s like there’s

no closure

to the questions

that never get answered

the journalist in me

wants to know the why

the person in me

just needs peace

and i can’t get that

down the street

or over the tracks

or at the edge of the ocean

or at the foot of the mountain

or standing at your door

and maybe it’s September

and for some reason

this month is hard

been hard since that letter

showed up (years ago) in September

and how i didn’t wanna open it

even touch it

how even when i did

finally

it didn’t tell me nothing

i needed to know

some of it was in typed English

the rest i couldn’t read

but i saw the blanks

all the blanks

all the empty space

where nothing was said

at all

__________________________

but what i could read

told me

what i had believed

all along

wasn’t even true

a birthday that wasn’t even mine

a name that wasn’t even me

all i know

all i’ll ever know

is somebody from somewhere

left me

there

at that police station

long ago

just me

with nothing else

no identity

no note

no trace

so, the letter told me

i’d never know

when i was born

how old i really was

or my name at birth

they issued those things

at the orphanage

they just picked a month, a day, a year

out of thin air

poof

and then a name

was assigned

a stamp put on paper

a sticker on the page

a number of identification

stuck on file

like a sticker on a Tshirt

that i exist

somewhere in the world

i knew only two words in Korean

that i would say

over and over again

one meant dad

the other meant grandma

why i’m thinking about this

now

at 5 in the morning

is beyond me

i mean it’s not like i think about these things

all the time or anything

or maybe i do

or maybe it’s September

that’s a hard month

it just is

i don’t know

i really don’t

i just don’t

know

TL

In Downtown

there are three

clocks on the wall

telling different

times

the rain

heavy now

every window’s

hiring

umbrellas over

empty chairs

finally a cappuccino

worth sipping

she’s gone

and grown

up …

her manicured nail

tap tapping on the wheel

her hair waving wild

in the wind

I can’t keep up … with the pace

close my eyes

remembering the room

the monitor

the bright light

the moment when

I first heard her heart

Boo

ming

Boo

ming

Boo

ming

TL

In Memory

in the fade

of flowers

she lost her ring

the one he never

got to give her

for they waited too long

to decide

thinking tomorrow

but the baby was never born

and the story of their life

was never lived

cut short

at the stem

a field of flowers

cut short at the stem

on a day

much like today

TL

White Roses

21 years

after the song

first hit the airway

and 10 years after

the songwriter died

I heard it

for the first time

today

on the way home …

thank you Harley Allen for writing it

and thank you John Michael Montgomery

for singing it

for The Little Girl …

TL

When it Rains

throw some

glitter in the air

and watch it fall

unmelted snow

on the ground

like sand in the sun

a thousand lights at Christmas

reflected on wet pavement

in the eye of a sailor

who can’t go home

sequins stitched on the sea

gather in the sky

a twinkle in the dark

I heard you whisper

and say

don’t go …

so we danced

under the glitter

of trees

and forgot about the time

running in the rain

like nothing ends

specks stuck

to the windshield

some in your hair

the rest got swept away

I see it

everywhere

TL

His Beloved Son Steve

he can’t

just

get up

and go get in his truck

and drive

he can’t

just

go get on his tractor

and roll around the field

he can’t

just

go wherever he wants to go

whenever he wants to go

his body won’t

allow it

so he sits

and watches squirrels

try to get in the feeder

he sits

and watches hummingbirds

fly in formation

he sits

and watches Monarch butterflies

go by

he sits

and watches the wind

blowing through the trees

he sits

and watches the rain

as it falls

and dries

and gives all his plants

what they need

he’s a farmer in his heart of hearts

and understands

the nature of things

how each crop

has its own season

in its own time

TL

Her Beloved Son Steve

yesterday

a cardinal

appeared

at her doorway

in the blur

she could see it

staring back at her

unafraid

it offered her a sense

of peace

as it stood there

in the stillness

of the morning ray

without a word

it said

what she needed most

to hear

it remained unmoved

‘til the message

was clear

in the fullness of her grief

she felt the lift

of wings

TL

Make Do

they’ve been building

something big

over there

over yonder

massive amounts of dirt

being hauled and dumped and shoved around

and dug

into a giant pool of mud

full of rain

where this floating bird

can be seen from the roadway

drifting serenely by

as if it were a white swan

gliding across a golden pond

at sunset

instead of early in the morning

with motorized machinery

rolling round and round

and a steady stream of traffic

headed to town

this floating bird

pays it no mind

never questioning how a pond

just up and appeared

one day

on land it waddled on

it doesn’t waste a second

wondering how or when or why

it just steps in

and feels relieved

from the humid heat

and tired feet

TL

Summer in September

what were

jest seeds

in May

turned into

watermelons

by September

it gets me every time

how given the right conditions

and the right amount of time

something like that can grow

from a speck of seed

the first one cracked open

wasn’t ready

but the second one

was

there’s something so satisfying

in that first glimpse

of red

they say you gotta roll the melons over

and check the bottom

for a tinge of yellow

fore it’s ready

to roll

ruby ready

TL

Collecting Coins

…

he waited

‘til he’d cleared

the room

the door

and was down the hall

safely down the hall

before he broke

d

o

w

n

it was too much

all too much

for 13

let alone 42

he’s counting coins

staying connected

reaching out

to repetition

the rhythm of repetition

the soothing lull

of clinking coins

he’ll never stop

counting

…

puts one

in his pocket

to keep close

just enough to touch

a two-sided-coin

there’s always two sides

he’d drop ‘em all in the fountain

if he could

if it meant

she’d come back

he looks up at the sky

wondering why …

down every road

he’ll carry the why …

when things don’t add up

and nothing makes sense

you start the count over

it’s easy to get lost

counting

…

you can lose your place

somewhere

in the beginning

in the middle

in the end

and have to start all over

again

but that’s ok

the total changes

over time

with addition and subtraction

new coins, lost coins, old coins, missing coins

silver

copper

gold

the count changes

becoming less

becoming more

keep counting kid

…

don’t ever stop

TL

Sophomore Year

it’s 3:03

in the morning

got up at 1

thinking it was 5

went back to bed

with eyes wide

this is how it was

when she was 5

the night before

she went off

to pre-school

couldn’t sleep

then either

in about 4 and half hours

she’ll be driving

to school

she’s a good driver

thanks to Mr. Dill

I sit on the passenger side

feeling older than I am

Cinderella’s been driving me around

in her modern-day pumpkin

fer 2 months now

preparing …

for this

the first day back

to school

I can hear the bell ringing

TL